Developer Jokes

As I did in the previous 2 months where I posted a posted funny programming quotes and funny developer pictures, I’ll be closing this month of with some jokes about our profession. :-)

Enjoy!

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Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.

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How many programers dose it take to change a light bulb?

None – It’s a hardware problem

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A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air.  His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack?  Smoking is hazardous to your health!”

To which the man replies, “I am a programmer.  We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”

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Why computers are like men:

• In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
• They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
• They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
• As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

Why computers are like women:

• No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
• The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
• Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
• As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.

The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."

The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."

The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."

Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."

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Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age

A CD was a bank account

And if you had a 3 ? inch floppy

You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage

Not something you did to a file

And if you unzipped anything in public

You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife

Paste you did with glue

A web was a spider's home

And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper

And the memory in my head

I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash

But when it happens they wish they were dead!

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Drug Dealers and Software Engineers - A Comparison
Drug Dealers	Software Engineers
"The first one is free"	"Download a free trial version"
Have important South-Asia connections (to help move the stuff)	Have important South-Asia connections (to help debug the code)
Strange jargon: "Stick", "Rock", "Dime bag", "E"	Strange jargon: "TCP/IP", "XML", "Java", "SQL"
Realize that there's a ton of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market	Realize that there's a ton of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market
Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, more potent mixes	Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines
Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers	Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists
Their products cause unhealthy addictions.	DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D.; Enough said.
Do your job well and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you	Damn! Damn! DAMN!

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How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. "We just recognized darkness, fixing it is someone else's problem."

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God is real, unless declared integer.

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A SQL query walks into a bar. He approaches two tables and says, "Mind if I join you?

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A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

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A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”

The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”

The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!”